Bath couple rocking the boat on gender stereotypes…Bath parents report on raising their baby 'gender-neutral'

BBC Inside Out on Monday 16th September 2019 reported on local Bath parents, Hobbit and Jake, who have decided not to tell people the sex of their 17 month old baby.

All babies are born genderless. No babies are born masculine and manly, or feminine and girly; they don’t even know the meaning of those terms or roles.

This doesn’t stop society from trying to fit them into these roles though, from before birth. As soon as parents and family know the sex of a baby to be, the choices for toys, clothes, colours and interests start to be narrowed down, and limited to either the pink box or the blue box.

What should we call this process? Should we call it brainwashing, or perhaps the imposition of parental ideology, or maybe the infliction of some sort of child abuse? Such suggestions will probably appear ridiculous and offensive, because it has become the norm to pinkify or blueify babies and we mistake what is common for what is natural. Diverging from the practice of gender-reveal parties and frilly bows for the bald heads of baby girls is seen as a wild route to take.

However, it is also ridiculous and offensive to fire such charges against parents who are trying, as much as anyone can do in this world, not to limit the fabrics that their baby wears or the colour of their socks or the toys they are given to play with. All the world should be wide open to curious new human beings, not closed down; there is no reason to start stereotyping them based on the genitals they were born with.

Speaking of which, why is that anyone’s business? Why is it so terrible that these parents won’t tell you the sexed genitalia of their child, why do you care? Are we incapable of relating to a new baby human with love, empathy and comfort unless we know the sex of that child?

Responses to this story have also exposed a widespread conflation and misunderstanding about gender and sex. These are two different things. Sex is the biological features of your body, but gender is masculinity or femininity. Gender isn’t biological, babies don’t curl up with their legs spread apart or tightly crossed while in the womb because they are being macho or ladylike. Babies in the womb don’t know the offside rule and they have no understanding of whose faces will be unacceptable without make-up on, nor are they biologically programmed to be paid less for the same work.

Gender, that is being masculine or feminine, is not actually natural or innate. In fact, most people work very hard at trying to achieve what we are told comes naturally. Men try to measure up to current definitions of masculinity and manliness and women to current definitions of femininity and womanliness. Gender is maintained by the separation of clothing stores, the separation of toys, the separation of roles, the separation of shampoos!

In the name of gender we wrap boys in camouflage and tell them they can’t cry, that although they may grow up to be Judges or CEOs they are naturally incapable of ironing, cooking, or washing their own underpants. Girls are recognisable by their pink clothes and princess dresses, they are allowed to cry because they are emotional, but they can’t play like boys because it’s not in their genes – and anyway, they would probably rip their princess dresses.

Against this onslaught, this brave couple of parents in Bath are trying to give their child a chance at being a human being, rather than the tired and limiting stereotypes of women and men or boys will be boys myths about slugs and snails versus all things nice, or whatever.

Bath is a great city (not as good as Bristol), but it’s not a vacuum. These efforts can only ever be partial, as the parents themselves have acknowledged. The way they see it, that is not a reason not to try, and for that, they should be commended and supported. This hasn’t occurred to many commentators though, bleating on about the dangers of confused ‘genderless babies’. Who knew the supposedly natural institution of gender is so fragile that it can be brought down by a baby wearing the ‘wrong’ colour, or having the ‘wrong’ length of hair! What next? The erosion of the nuclear family? Women voting? Where will it end?

In this case it will end when this particular baby human decides whether or not to tell people their sex, and whether or not they tell people what gender they identify as or with, if any. In the meantime, the child should be able to play with whatever toys, wear whatever clothes, cry, laugh and dream of being or doing whatever their heart desires. Sex should not be destiny. That is what these parents are trying to tell us. But society so loves to shoot the messenger who dares to hold up a mirror and ask us to look at ourselves.

For more ideas about ways to avoid or reduce the gender stereotyping of children, see UK organisation Let Toys Be Toys and their 20 tips for parents poster here